Stories
Finding comfort in communion, solace in suffering, and richness in the raw
The Mirror
When I was younger, I didn’t understand anything about death and loss, I always used to think, why didn’t dad do this or do that, or say this or say that, and why couldn’t he cope better? I really didn’t give him a break...
Grit
Fingertips run along railings and the latter half of a soft torso rests in chairs once occupied by a giant. These are the new memories. A sampling anyway. The playlist of a Londoner helping to steer me straight as a bent arrow through a tunnel I will likely never drive...
Dear Grandma
I don't know if I feel you or not, but I really still can't comprehend that you're not here anymore. It kind of feels like this whole past year without you has just been a long time without seeing you or calling you...
Raindrops and Blessings
I reached up for one drop of rain It fell into my outstretched palm And seemed to wash away the pain Like a most soothing balm
The Year of Nevers
In those later years, when the alcoholism really took root, conversations with him could become fraught so quickly. But on that Christmas morning, he was vibrant and silly and a reflection of the father I grew up with.
Precious Memories
It was hard to watch my "new driver" heading out on his own that morning. As Ethan pulled out of the gate, I turned to my mother and said, "It's just so hard letting go." Little did I know how much "letting go" I was really doing. That was the last time I saw Ethan.
Patricia
Losing you is not a lesson. It can’t be summarized and repeated, and it can’t be understood. It is a wound that I feel when I look for sleep, and its pain only weakens as the time passes for no other reason but that time has passed.
Dad
His bed would be delivered soon they tell me so I want to help as much as possible. From that point to him arriving is sort of blurry for me, but there he was. He made it to the place where he would spend the rest of his life.
Tinsel Eyes
Death is so moving and frightening because it touches infinity. It is an inevitable uncertainty, stamped upon this fragile universe we all inherit at birth. We don’t know what happens after. It could be something new---or nothing
I was visited by grief this weekend
Grief invites me to sit in a chair right next to that mantel and then it lays on me like a weighted blanket, all encompassing, heavy and warm. Memories surface, and instead of pushing them away I focus on them. Grief pulses through my body, reminding me of those moments...
Love that Never Dies
Only ten calendar months from diagnosis to slipping away beyond the veil felt all too short yet this grief feels old with a patina of wear
The Last Breath
In the hush that followed, I heard with extraordinary acuteness the softest breath of a whisper, a special grace for me, the faintest most powerfully resonating words from his lips to my heart: “I love you.”
Grieve Well
A wink, a nod, a curtsied bow Another perfect performance by you Day in and out to all your meet Another easy sell For all they see, while incomplete Is how you grieve so well
In Silence
I saw the family bow their heads, his mother wailing for the son she threw away. She acted how I felt. But I could never show anyone my pain. I could never cry for him in public. Nobody even knew I existed. . I wanted to go to them, shout that I loved him...
SUDEP
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Acoma
In those moments years ago when I stood there facing what God had made of emptiness, what daughters and sons have been seeing for millennia, I saw something that filled me up and undid me, too. Beyond words, it is where I go when I have the deepest grief or sadness.
When My Mother Died
Not only can people not function in the face of extreme grief, but all rational thinking disappears into the wind. They are less than…Less than kind, less than normal, less than human.
Three Days of Dying
You stay in bed late again. I lie to myself and think today is the day you get better. You’re going to get up and have someone do your makeup, ask for ice cream for breakfast and giggle at your own jokes. This of course doesn’t happen.
My Father's Painted Shoes
I watched my father write out my suicide letter during my last visit to his home, yet only wondered who he was writing to outside by himself smoking cigars. I am haunted by the fear I had of his distance from me when I said my last goodbye, yet I never stepped closer to him.
My Birthday, Alzheimer’s, Covid, Grief, Loud Music, and a Reality Check
Here’s where I want to tell you about her beautiful smile and her sweet laugh but I don’t want to take away from the real pain that this new reality brings upon us. I want to tell you it’s not that bad, it could be worse. But right now, let’s stay where we are at...
My Dad
I brought him classical music to listen to and he placed his headphones on and sunk into the sounds, moving his frail body sitting on the edge of the bed breaking periodically into tears from being moved by the beauty of the music. There was such an innocence surrounding him
For Mom
After a month of this, a day after my 27th birthday, she left. I will always believe she stayed for my birthday. It will always be the best birthday present I’ve ever received.
Infinity
When Chris was first diagnosed with cancer sixteen years ago, it shocked me into ditching my issues with him. After his near miraculous recovery, the three siblings enjoyed a golden epoch in which many a dinner ended in the small hours. We laughed ourselves into a new normal
Cataclysm
I’m continually mesmerized By the heart’s fervent capacity To sustain both the heights of love And the depths of sorrow
ME and the UGLY ROCK
One sad sad day I was given a very large and very heavy, ugly and jagged rock. It had a small inscription on it " You Will Carry Me With You Forever" I had to carry this rock with me every where I went....
A letter to my two-month old baby
I created a baby wish list and a “to-do list” before your arrival. I already knew the location of the future baby- shower. If I be damned, I even knew I wanted to save for your college education.
It's Hard Not to Feel Lonely
Because that’s what mom and dad’s do, they are there for you just in case everything falls apart, they are your safe space. There is no place to run and hide anymore, even if I never needed to...
Christmas Without You
Losing grandparents is generally a natural occurrence, but when they are taken from you suddenly, at the same time, and with violence, there is nothing natural about it. I lost my grandparents in March of 2017 to a home invasion gone wrong.
Letting Go of my Son's Old Toys
I had tried with someone's help to get rid of his old toys, but it was difficult deciding what should go. I wanted everything to stay. We never finished. The game room was just left there with piles of toys stacked around gathering dust.
I want to lay on the floor
Someone in my grief group asked me the other night what I missed most about our old house. Guess what I said? Laying on the floor, what I miss most about our old house is laying on the floor. Not just anywhere on the floor but 'that' spot.
Listening to Grief
These feelings said my family, were due to the fact that I didn’t have a spiritual understanding of life and death. For if I truly understood that life was cyclical, then I would realise that my father had merely moved on to a better plain of existence....
I'm Sorry I Wasn't Better that Day
I know everyone was in a hurry to beat the ice and snow. You were probably missing your family since you were driving alone. I'm sorry when i got to your sun roof (as your car was on its side, and your torso underneath) we didn't push the car off you right away.
For Mom
My sisters and I rotated sleeping on the floor next to her each night, just in case she called out or needed us. I hardly slept those nights. I just lay there, listening to her breathing...
Karen Darlene Greason
But a light shone through. Something must have told her to get up. To fight through it, much like a wounded soldier might hear a voice of a loved one from hundreds of miles away as they are about to let the light envelop them into an eternal embrace. The
How do I grieve?
As I was watching dad fall apart, stitch by stitch as one week passed by after another. I would put on the bravest face I possibly could.
Four Losses in Two Years
Death has taught me how to hold two seemingly opposite concepts at once. I am tortured by feelings of guilt, regret, anger, and despair that their deaths have inspired. At the same time, I relish in happy and funny memories of them
On The Roof
Darlene heard flamenco music rising from the river. And, then suddenly, she knew that the man she had loved, whose lung collapsed after the head-on collision, was blowing her kisses, and would always remember her.
No One in the World can take the Place of your Mother
Can I describe my life not without my mother? Not so much. Grief is difficult and definitely unexplainable. Very often, especially in the mornings, I say to myself, “I have to call my mom.” Some days I am so angry, others I am so jealous of others...
Embrace the Climb
Remember to find joy on the way. Look around. Smile at the wonders this world still has to offer. You are her legacy by the way. Take her with you. Talk to her. Unpack the heavy things from your pack. They make your hike harder and more strenuous.
In Death There is Also Beauty
Something I’ll always remember; my sister-in-law’s parents came to visit me after Sean died. And her father said, “In death, there is also beauty.” At the time, I was upset and confused. There was nothing beautiful about Sean taking his own life...
The Day my World Crumbled
I immediately let a broken cry out, and I felt everything become numb, I laid my head on her chest, just waiting for her to breath, waiting for her to wrap her arms around me like she always did, but she never did. “I love you mawmaw, I love you mawmaw” was all I kept saying
A little about my grief and my son
I often feel like I live in two different worlds....the one before Aaron died and the one after Aaron died. I'm not sure that I understand the person "after" his death at this point...My eyes look different now....I can see it when I look in the mirror.
Grief around racism and BLM
I somehow didn’t realize what I was about to see when I saw the video of George Floyd being murdered. We have all now watched a man being murdered. Some are just hoping that others will do the work to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It is too uncomfortable...
The Memory of Dream
It will be 5 years since he passed away this April, and despite how big and deep of a hole I dig inside of myself and no matter how much dirt I pile on top of the memories… I still cannot seem to bury these emotions deep enough
My Father's Many Deaths
...her unwavering support gave us proof that when one parent dies, the love you receive isn’t cut in half – it’s actually doubled. Looking back, my only complaint is that, as a family, we never had the courage to face our pain...
Weekend Mornings
Weekend mornings use to sound like Beethoven and Vivaldi, your cleaning or riffing on the piano, newspaper pages turning, you and Mom carrying on conversations from two different rooms.
Alex's Journey Through Loss
The moment I heard the love of my life was going to die I completely lost all control of all my senses. I began wailing and hitting the floor, all around me faded. Even though I was surrounded by his loved ones in that hospital waiting room I was alone in that moment.
Goodbyes We Didn't Get to Say
I hadn’t expected to feel the way I did when he died. I always imagined it would be relieving. No more panic. No more fear. Instead, I felt more grief than I expected to feel.
Robbed
Dr Claire advises: "You should really get here, now." I explained that I live in Edmonton and it was a 14 hour drive. And her response, Ill never forget, was "They have planes in Edmonton? Id recommend getting on the next flight."
Dad
All the big moments he was supposed to be there for he is now going to miss out on. My heart breaks for him more than anything. It also breaks for my Mom,
Walter
While my closest circle of friends knew about my dad’s death, they didn’t know how to react to the situation. Nor did I expect them to, because how could they when they had not experienced it as adults themselves. Even though they were supportive
Like a leaf falling from a Tree
What do you say when words don’t say enough? You died just like a leaf falling from a tree. In your bed. 9 weeks ago. Unexpectedly. No words express my feelings. Maybe: I feel lost now. Lost in the future.
An Ocean of Tears - Love and Loss
Lately, those choice words are the direct result of having lost my parents within 11 months of each other. In the same span of time my husband started a new career, my daughter started high school, my faucet leaked under my laminate flooring...
That Which Lasts
But believe it I do and while my grief has at times been more than I can bear, I have chosen to focus less on what has left me and more on what has been left; on the memories that are keeping her close.
Dad
Death is different. It has a sharp edge. It's not subjective, it's definitive. It just is. We may all have different ways of trying to grasp it, through prayer or myth, through ritual or belief.
She Promised She'd Come Back
She was so ashamed to leave the house with her oxygen in the little village she grew up in, she moved about an hour away. She was so much happy pottering around in her little bungalow. 6 weeks later she was taken home to die.
Untitled
I took the trash out, brought her a cup of tea, and then went upstairs to prepare her father’s body for her to say goodbye to.
Untitled
She stood quaking, tears breaking through her lashes, clearly about to shatter – I saw that she simply could not enter the room of her dying aunt.
Elton John and Kiki Dee
feeling the gratitude to be of service to people in these harrowing final moments, feeling the beauty and grief and joy and love and acceptance of the full cycle of life
The Train
I remember her running around the hospital sticking stickers on Papa. I remember leaving her at that awful place where she felt lost but knowing I needed to be there with him – I wanted/needed time to feel/be there.
Dying of Cancer: A Feel-Good Story
I can see the large white spot on the PetScan – about the size of a golf ball. Next step is biopsy. But they can't just drop a probe down my trachea because the growth...
5 days
We had 36 hours with him at home, blissfully unaware he was dying. When I reflect on my blurred memories of those 36 hours, Death is everywhere, in every corner, in every shadow. As I lay in my bed nursing my new baby, I can see Her laying across from us, stroking his hair.
Uncle Phil
It's his voice I miss most. No, that's not true, it's his hugs too. And his smile. And his lovable gruffness. Even when he was giving you shit for being an idiot you still felt warmth pouring out of him. And his gentleness was as powerful as his anger.
To Lovern and Carol
Immediately I think heart-attack. But wait, both of them? It just wasn't adding up, but at that time we didn't have any more information. A few hours later my mom phoned again in hysterics.
Let's Talk
She is gone And words were not spoken. My body still vibrates, like her message was forced down my throat Mothers sometimes have a funny way of teaching their little girls things
You Shook up the World
1922 You shook up the world You blessed this world 1989 I came to the world You became my world
My Favourite Tattoo
He had more near death experiences then any person should be allowed. He was just dealt a shitty hand of cards. That being said, you would never have known that if you met him. He had a happy demeanour, always trying to make you laugh and get a wisecrack in.
Anticipating Death
This isn’t about me. He’s the one who’s suffering. It’s my Dad who’s dying and yet I feel like I’m dying a little too. Watching all this shit roll in and hammer him, helpless, day after day, month after month...
The Day Our Lives Changed Forever
It was a bright, sunny winter day. As we travelled south, we both marveled at the majestic, snow covered Mount Baker, glistening in the sunshine. It was a lovely drive, with me knitting, and Steve behind the wheel.
Loss and Found
No wonder losing things, even trivial things, can be so upsetting. Regardless of what goes missing, loss puts us in our place; it confronts us with lack of order, loss of control, and the fleeting nature of existence.
Uncle Robert
I still picture him sitting tall and lanky at the head of our long dining table, always taking his place hours too early every Sunday, talking quietly with my Mom or Dad as dinner was cooking, and casually putting his Coffee Crisp next to his place setting
The Longest Goodbye
I remember when Josh told me about a concept he envisioned months ago, in regards to creating a platform for people to discuss and engage with their stories of loss and subsequent grief as a way to not only implement catharsis, but also to allow
Christmas
Christmas has always been a difficult time of year for me. It doesn’t seem to get any better over the years but I will admit since moving to Vancouver two years ago, the sadness around this season has lessened slightly; maybe because I am
Ever get lost in a vivid memory? I do.
I’m 24 years old, it’s May 1, 2010. It’s the first nice day in Vancouver after a long, rainy winter. I’m wearing flip flops, spring is in the air and the sun is shining through my window – things are going my way and I’m feeling really good
Mr. Landers
He was the first person I'd ever known who had HIV, and he was one of the most disciplined and demanding teachers I'd ever had the privilege of studying under.
Lorna
She had always been a tiny little thing. When she was cutting my then waist length natural curls I remember she'd lower the chair and stand on her tiptoes, and would still need to stretch her slender arms and delicate fingers to reach the ends
Grief Is Love
"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."