Grief; intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death. Here is a beautiful quote I found that sums it up perfectly.....
At first, grief kicks you in the face. Hard. Really fucking hard. Your every thought is consumed by great sadness, helplessness and pain. You see a dragonfly and it reminds you of mom, you watch Grey's Anatomy and it brings back the rawness and pain of the cancer. They say it gets easier but you couldn't imagine it ever getting "easier" because in these very moments, you truly feel like you could die from a broken heart. She's dead and that is never going to change. You'll never have a mom again, your children will never meet their grandma and there will always be a void....a large gapping void in every photo, memory and celebration here on out.
You'll have days where you physically can't cry anymore tears but you want to, you really want to because you don't know what else to do. There is no option to smile or laugh or pretend everything is ok because it's not. She's gone. Forever.
Every tear seems to release the tiniest bit of sorrow that has been weighing down your chest from the moment you got the news so you cry some more. You feel guilt for every negative thing you ever said to her and every family dinner you ever missed. You blame anyone you can for her death including the government for not doing enough cancer prevention and your shitty stepdad for surpassing her zest for life. They stole her from you. Then you blame yourself...maybe not for the cancer but for the pain she was feeling. If I only supported her more during chemo or called her more often with positive thoughts maybe she would still be alive. It's fucking bullshit, you tell yourself, but that doesn't seem to bring her back either.
I drank a lot after losing my mom while trying to forget the pain but it came back ten times worse the next day. I laid in my bed too many days to count, feeling intense physical and emotional pain while replaying the stories and holding onto every memory I could. I didn't let anyone in...even my sisters who were going through the same loss. I built a very strong wall "protecting" my family and friends from the hurt and anger I felt within. I didn't want them to feel any of my sorrow so I kept it all to myself and withered away slowly but surely. I somehow kept working in a numb, dream-like state and when any bit of emotion pushed it's way through, I casually excused myself to the washroom, cried my fucking eyes out, touched up my makeup and painted on that perfect smile I had mastered so discretely. I looked myself in the mirror and questioned how much longer this could go on for....turned out to be months.
As much as I sold my story to those around me, I could only lie to myself for so long. My spark had extinguished. Something was wrong. I'm not talking about the morality of how "wrong" my young mother's death was but more about my essence, my spirit, my joie de vive. That rush of life had left me for the first time in my 27 years of existence. I didn't give a fuck about anything. Rainbows could have been the colour of baby shit and puppies a bunch of city dwelling rats for all I cared. I pushed myself every day to find magic in the world but it was gone. My friends were boring, sunlight was annoying and food had no flavour. What's the point in living such a dull life?
In pure desperation to feel something, I booked a trip to the holy grail of fun: Viva Las Vegas.
A little back story, I have been to SinCity a time or two before (9, to be exact) and it had brought me nothing but joy, hilarious memories, new friends and horrendous hangovers but always a story for the books and a ton of good vibes. If I could think of anywhere in the world(at this point in life) that would put a smile on my face, this was it. Patricia and I hit the Strip running but I felt nothing. No butterflies on the plane, no emotions at all, to be honest. I tried, I really did. I went through all the motions of Cirque du Soleil shows, champagne clad nightclubs and world class dinners and sunshine galore but there was nothing. I could have been in the middle of Idaho for all I cared.
So the next step in my self-care efforts were speaking to someone. I had been finding myself leaning towards the hippy side of life after the final days with my mom so I chose to see a spiritual healer instead of a counsellor or therapist. In my mind, I felt less pressure to talk about the death with a spiritual healer than sitting across from a stranger asking about my current mental state. As I sat with Marina, she lit the lavender incense, read my cards and naturally approached topics as they came up in conversation. After an intense reading, we ended the session with energy healing that left me feeling a little lighter. Don't get me wrong, I still had a dark cloud lurking above me but there seemed to be a glimpse of sunlight that was now streaming through. WIth a new outlook, I had hope that this depression was not here to stay but there wasn't a doubt in my mind that it needed my full attention and dedication before any other progress could be made.
The choice was final. My sanity and happiness was now my number one priority in life. I left my job, my apartment, my friends, my family and all certainties in life. At the ripe 'ol age of 27, I strapped on 60L backpack and travelled the world for more than seven months. I was on a hunt, the hunt for happiness. That light I once had and craved so dearly. I started in the UK but even with all the beautiful country sides, warm welcomes and exciting adventures, the darkness followed. After leaving London, I flew to Prague, a place where I had fond memories from my trip 6 years prior.
I remember it so clearly....I was walking down a familiar alley way filled with delicatessens and bottle shops when I looked up at this beautiful art instillation that consisted of multi-coloured umbrellas when I felt it. Butterflies! Joy! Happinesssssssss!! I had never appreciated my very existence more than that very day at that very moment. What was once lost, was now found. My determination with avoiding anti-depressents and pushing my personal boundaries, was met with the biggest success I could ever ask for. Being myself again had me appreciating the magic and feeling it in every aspect of life. The animals encounters, the fellow travellers, the waves, the waterfalls....everything was a blessing.
Don't get me wrong, I still have my dark moments but they slowly became few and far between. I have learned over time that sharing my vulnerability actually makes me stronger as a woman, friend and lover. My only true need in life now is happiness and I have fully immersed myself into that mantra. Working through grief can either be a lesson or a great demise. Let it be the lesson....the lesson to enjoy everyday, show your love to those near and dear & find the time to enjoy life and all it has to offer.
