Letting Go of my Son's Old Toys

Today I finally started gathering up some old toys of my son's to donate. It's been over 5 years...

These past 5 years I've tried so many different self-care activities: yoga, meditation, massage, Pilates, Barre, warm lemon water, celery juice, baking, coloring, reading, foreign languages, and art... I am still trying to find my new identity after my son died.

At first I wanted to save everything of his. I couldn't let anything go. Because he was gone and I couldn't control his leaving. I had tried with someone's help to get rid of his old toys, but it was difficult deciding what should go. I wanted everything to stay. We never finished. The game room was just left there with piles of toys stacked around gathering dust. But I knew over time there would come a day that I would just feel like, Okay, just get rid of it all. I think I was waiting for that day.

But recently because of the pandemic, I have been processing more of my grief through all of the free virtual art classes that are available now. I don't think I am ready to give away everything just yet, but I have healed enough to start a little at a time and see what happens.

So I put on a face mask and got out a new swiffer duster and went into the game room to begin...

Today, as I was putting the bags of sorted toys and cars in the donation pile, I found myself saying, Goodbye Bryan's Ninja Turtles, Goodbye Bryan's little cars, Goodbye Bryan's toy SUVs,... And it took me back to memories of Bryan as a toddler, when I would take him to the Kaybee toy store at the mall to look, but instead of buying, I would tell him to wave and say Goodbye to the toys as I carried him out of the store...Wave Bye-bye to Elmo... Bye-bye Elmo...

And now I can say Bye-bye Bryan, I miss you so much.

And cry a little while writing about this moment.