Christmas Without You

Christmas, while a happy time for many, is a particularly hard time for those who have lost a loved one. Not to mention if your loved one's birthday is on Christmas day... My grandmother should be aging another year this Christmas, however, she is with my grandfather, wherever they are.

Losing grandparents is generally a natural occurrence, but when they are taken from you suddenly, at the same time, and with violence, there is nothing natural about it. I lost my grandparents in March of 2017 to a home invasion gone wrong. I remember the day vividly, waking up thousands of miles away from my family in Thailand. I was 1 month into a 3 month backing trip.

You know it's funny how our brains try to protect us from tragic events. After being told by my mother about the "double homicide" as the police called it, I proceeded on with my day of touring sacred grounds and hot springs. Surely that didn't happen and it was all a misunderstanding, right? Well 3 years, 9 months, and 16 days have gone by, so I'm starting to believe it really did happen.

There's one other thing that my brain does which I appreciate much less than the denial.

It tricks me.

When I least expect it, my brain plays a cruel joke on me. At any given time, in any given place, my eyes snap to attention. My brain has, for a split second, allowed me to believe that I have seen one of my dead grandparents in a crowd. A similar haircut, or a mannerism, or tone of voice. Each time, my breath gets caught in my chest and my heart stops. And each time this happens I immediately frown, shake my head, and internally reprimand myself for even entertaining the idea.

But now, as I continue through this process of grief and loss, I don't get so flustered by those moments. I can go days, weeks, and sometimes months without either of them crossing my mind. So instead of a trick, I think of it as a reminder of the two of them.