The Day my World Crumbled

It was Monday, July 8, 2019, I was already in a very odd mood, something was off, I felt like if everything was moving slow that day. I was about to get off when my boss told me my mom was on the phone and said she was sick and she needed me to come home, which was weird I knew my mom wasn’t sick, that’s when it hit me, my mawmaw. Let me back track here a little bit, my mawmaw was a strong ass women, she beat cancer two times, she went through so many death scares with her health but she still kept a positive outlook on life. Her sister passed away a few years ago in October, and that tore her apart, they were the dynamic duo, they were always together, after she passed my mawmaw started to decline, started to show signs of dementia, and just became very weak.

By Christmas of 2018 we knew we only had a few months left with her, she was placed on hospice I believe a month before passing, it all happened so fast I can’t remember. Come that July she wasn’t herself, she wasn’t the grandma that would take us shopping, or camping, or play cards all night with us and watch scary movies, and she was all about spending time with her grandkids, she was my best friend. The day before she passed me and my cousin was going to visit her but my mom said she had a rough night and was sleeping so I was going to stop in and see her when I got off that Monday, but nothing prepared me for what I was about to go through.

As I was rushing home, I had my emergency lights on because I knew, I just knew she was dying, and I wanted to tell her goodbye one last time, I pulled in the driveway and shut the car off, and that’s when time stopped, and it was like the world slowed down, slowed down so much that I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. I remember walking up the ramp and to my right was my aunt and cousin sitting there and the sobs coming from my cousins mouth instantly triggered the thought in my head “oh no I’m to late,” I walk inside and the first thing I ask my mom was “is she gone, is she gone, please tell me” and she wraps her arms around me and brings me into the living room where I see my sister beside my mawmaw sobs falling from her mouth like a kid who had their toy taken away.

I immediately let a broken cry out, and I felt everything become numb, I laid my head on her chest, just waiting for her to breath, waiting for her to wrap her arms around me like she always did, but she never did. “I love you mawmaw, I love you mawmaw” was all I kept saying, that’s all I could think of, how I didn’t get to hear her say I love you and I never would. More family started to show up, all my cousins were there by then, we’ve always been so close, it was us right next to her for most of the day, if we went away we went with each other, because we needed each other the most then.

Most of the day is a blur, I remember certain points, I remember my aunt on my moms side, going to get us drinks because she didn’t want us driving, I remember my dad pulling in the driveway and my mom having to tell him his mom passed away, I remember the hug he gave me and his tears falling and my hair soaking them up, I’ve never seen the man cry until that day. I remember me screaming out to the funeral home not to take her that she needed to stay there with us, that she didn’t want to go. I remember the next few days were hard, I was either at my cousins or they were at my house, I remember having to pick out an outfit for her services, and celebrating my cousins birthday, two days after our mawmaw passed away.

Seeing her in that casket, was something I hope I never have to live through again, I know I will, but I pray it’s not soon, she didn’t look like herself, her hands were smooth but very hard, her bones started to get more noticeable. Burying her was burying a piece of my heart, my world has been torn apart for almost a whole year now, she shows me she still is here though, sometimes a humming bird will sit on the porch with me or a red cardinal, I can even smell her perfume sometimes, she makes her presence known.

I don’t know how I’ve made it this far, it’s been days where I wanna lay down and cry, days where I hate everyone and everything because she got taken away, but there are days where I know she’s in a better place and that makes me feel so much better. Grief comes and goes, but to be afraid of death is something we shouldn’t be, because everyone dies eventually. When it happens is what we should be afraid of.